Save Your Marriage – Use Science to Get Solid Marriage Help

Marital researchers can predict with an 80-85% accuracy which couples will have serious relationship problems based on self-reporting information about themselves and their partner. These marriage experts identify five personal and relationship dynamics that measure the likelihood of relationship success or failure. They are:Realistic expectations
Communication
Conflict resolution
Personality
Religious orientationCouples that fight or drift apart score low on these scales. Happily married couples score high.If you need to save your marriage, this marital research can get you the marriage help you need. For the rest of us, it’s simply good marriage advice.1-REALISTIC EXPECTATIONSWhen “expectations” are unrealistic (either too high or too low)-frustration and disappointment is imminent. When expectations are balanced and realistic, it is relatively easy to feel content.It is essential to marital contentment that expectations are aligned with to one’s partner’s aptitude. “He may never be the best communicator, but it is ok.” “She may never be well organized and tidy, but I can live with it.” Adjusting one’s “expectations” to the reality of one’s partner is good marriage advice and contributes directly to relationship harmony.As well, all successful couples and families must adapt to changing circumstances. Be they changes that are predictable-like the birth of children or advancing age-or changes that are unanticipated-such as unemployment or serious illness. All these “challenges” require an adjustment of one’s expectations.The best marriage help is often simply maintaining “low expectations” about what your partner can and cannot do for you.2-COMMUNICATIONSatisfying conversations between a husband and wife builds closeness and trust. Marital research has shown that there needs to be at least 5 positive interactions to each negative one for there to be feelings of closeness. Even one criticism, or angry outburst, can undo the value of many positive interactions. (The mind remembers negative interactions longer than positive ones!) Understanding this highlights the importance of continually engaging in positive and pleasant communication, while trying to minimize negative interactions. The challenge is to produce the greatest number of positive verbal interactions with the fewest negative interactions.If your relationship is in serious trouble, pleasant interactions alone may be able to save your marriage and prevent divorce3-CONFLICT RESOLUTIONThe goal in marriage is to live together in peace and harmony. However, for many couples, marriage will at times include occasional disagreements or conflicts. When this happens it is essential to keep the conflict small and contained.Successful conflict resolution requires three primary criteria. 1) Stay respectful: No name calling, expressions of strong anger, bulling, or attempts to humiliate. 2) Stick to one topic: Stay focused exclusively on the issue at hand. Resist dragging into the conversation other areas of disagreement or disappointment. 3) Keep it small: The disagreement should only last a few minutes and then be quickly set aside and efforts should be made to restore positive feelings and constructive interactions.Keeping conflicts contained is marriage advice every couple needs to heed. We can live with a small scratch, but a severed limb can lead to permanent injury or even death. Protect your marriage and keep disagreements small and contained.4-PERSONALITYIt is important that you are comfortable with your partner’s personality. He or she doesn’t have to be exactly as you-in fact if this were so, it would probably work against you. Remember, during courtship there was attraction. You chose to marry each other! Even after many years of marriage, that attraction it is still there-at least in potential.True-years of misunderstanding and conflict can create deep resentment. This accumulated negative emotion can actually change your perception of your partner, leaving you unable to accurately see who he or she really is. For this reason, as much as possible, conflict should be avoided, or at least you should try to look past it when it does occur and seek out the parts of your partner’s personality that you like.Being receptive to your partner’s new efforts to improve how he or she relates to you can actually save your marriage. If you don’t notice your partner’s good intentions and efforts, then what you are really saying is, “nothing can help your marriage.” Let your partner show you how he or she can modify his or her personality for the better.5-RELIGIOUS ORIENTATIONDissimilar spiritual and cultural differences can stress relationships. Religious orientation includes a set of rules that guides the couple in setting goals, making decisions, and raising children. When religious orientation and culture are similar, this becomes a set of shared values that contribute to a healthy and cohesive family.ESSENTIAL MARRIAGE ADVICEEven though formal training in these personal and relationship dynamics are not readily available, you and your partner can work toward achieving a high score. The more you achieve, the closer and more comfortable you will feel with each other and the greater the likelihood your relationship will last the distance.Take a few moments and review these five scales. Together with your partner, generate a list of suggestions that when implemented will give you the loving relationship you seek. Let these five dynamics lead you to the marriage help you need.Unlike what many believe, relationship harmony is not “chemistry,”-rather its hard work leading to concrete relationship skills… so roll up your sleeves and get started!Marriage research shows that couples that score high in these five areas, although not necessarily perfect in every way, share happy and meaningful lives. Save your marriage or make your marriage better. Use this marriage advice to make your primary relationship the best it can be.

Action Research Cycle: Write a Formal Review of Literature – Step 1 Discovery

Discover: This week you will:1. Discover what is involved in organizing and evaluating the resources you are finding in order to outline your arguments and begin to write your review of the literature. You will begin to map your discussion, reporting as you do, by week 2 how those plans are developing so that your colleagues may assist prior to the time your rough draft of your outline is due.2. Discover that part of comprehension and expertise is the ability to demonstrate connections between various authors. The ability to come back to a resource discovered at an earlier stage and extrapolate new ideas can be the result of taking adequate notes as you read.3. Discover and exchange ideas about how to use the electronic tools at your disposal to benefit this search.Outcomes and Benefits to You For Doing This WorkA solid review of the literature assures you that you have a baseline of knowledge on which to begin your own research. You will know that you have reached this plateau when you can carry on an informed discussion with an expert in your field of study. Having this base of expertise will help you focus the particulars of your study and save hours of unnecessary starts and stops during the development of your final methodology, data collection and analysis.Another benefit is that you will catch glimpses of how other researchers approached their work, including the variables you found interesting to study. This can help you craft your final research questions as well as to suggest pre-existing instruments you may want to use. You may also see that you don’t possess the necessary skills to tackle research, giving you the opportunity to build those skills or define a new methodology (Mauch & Park, 2003).Along those same lines you will see how others write up their work. Make special note of dissertations that you find easy to read, or which discuss their methodology in a way that makes sense. Mark them in your End Note database as documents to come back to when you start to write the same sections.Another list you will want to note is of other questions that come to mind as you write. Should it happen, you won’t be the first doctoral student who is forced by circumstance to change topic mid stream. It is useful to have noted all those, “What if?” ideas that come to your mind as you read others work. One of them may turn out to be a better redefinition of your topic area (Mauch & Park, 2003).Finally, you will prove, at least in your own mind that your ideas are really needed in the field. When you find yourself disagreeing with an author, or saying, “Wait, you missed a whole segment of students here,” etc. you know you are on the right track. Even if you are faced with the opposite issue – here in front of you is a report that is everything you could ever dream of, this allows you to slant your work to broaden the impact of the previous work by confirming or denying it in a new arena.Inclusion of Multiple Sources Does it seem like all your sources are saying approximately the same thing? The short answer to this question is that multiple sources are the difference between graduate research and real expertise. Searching out nuances is the standard of the expert and when you finish your final graduate work it is your goal to take you place among those people with that standard.The stated purpose of the lit review is to, “clarify the relationship between the proposed study and previous work conducted on the topic” (Rudestam & Newton, 2007, pg 62). Other authors mention, “Obtaining detailed, cutting-edge knowledge of your topic” (Roberts, 2004, pg 73). Therefore it is important that you have truly captured the field in your study, internationally as well as nationally and locally (thus displaying the level of influence your final study is likely to have). It is your job to convince your reader of the uniqueness and importance of your study. Remember what may be obvious to you will not have the same meaning to your committee members who specialize in different parts of the field.The trap for students in this pressure to display knowledge across many writers is that you come to think of the lit review as a laundry list of all that you have investigated. Not true, remember that each and every book or article you cite and reference must directly correspond to your final message. For this reason you may find it helpful to write a sentence per main point that you want to make and then list the references that you may use to naturally make that point. All the others fall off to the “not used” category.Should you be researching a particularly obscure topic you may find that you do a lot of work for little gain. In this case keep two EndNote files. One will hold those few resources that you use and the other the resources you investigated but discarded. This has two positive affects: 1) it demonstrates the amount of work you have done, and 2) discussing the list you won’t use may lead your critical friends to suggest new sources to research.Analysis, Synthesis and OrganizationMore than anything else, being an educated person means being able to see connections so as to be able to make sense of the world and act within it in creative ways.W. Cronon, (as cited by Siemens. G, 2008)The most difficult part of a review of the literature is the organization and expression of the ideas that come from what you have read. Let’s take for instance the following pattern of researchYou read book by AA. Author who make three great points about your topic you label those points X, Y and Z.You read book by BB Author who agrees with X but adds ideas M and N to the discussion.CC Author refutes Y and Z but agrees with M and adds T.DD Author has an entirely different idea although you see loose connections to the others. You also believe the DD has the most advanced ideas that you have read.Students who have not analyzed, synthesized and organized their ideas will report the Author A said…. Author B said…. And Author C said…… We cannot stress enough that this IS NOT ADEQUATE FOR A LIT REVIEW! To paraphrase Hart (1998):The aim is to show that you have mapped out the main issues on a subject; examined the use of concepts and the ways in which comparisons have and can be made, seen how complex ideas can be described; and come to an understanding on the role of methodological assumptions have had in shaping the literature that came before your study (pg. 109).Your write up will likely contain four types of discussion: Analysis requires you to differentiate or separate resources and the ideas contained within them, one from another. Synthesis on the other hand integrates or combines separate sections of different resources together, usually reorganized to demonstrate principles that you believe to be significant in your study. Interpretation distinguishes the relationships between different types of data, theory, and arguments and hold your reader sort them out. Knowledge describes for your reader what you have learned about the situations, methods, rules, classifications, etc of the topics inherent in your study.Your lit review will contain those four types of organization across one or many of the following.Mapping out the issuesIn the set of examples above the issues are the places where the various authors agree and disagree. You may also choose to map out the issues by using a graphic organizer to distinguish places of agreement and disagreement in any of the points of argumentation (discussed in the next section). Claims may agree or disagree across authors, as may warrants, data and the arguments we use to back up our claims. It is likely that you will go back to examine key resources more than once as you map out the issues across them.You also may choose to map the issues in chronological, methodological or political contexts, depending on which most clearly describes the tensions inherent within your study. As an example, a study on the academic efficacy of alternative programs would have to map the issues inherent in the populations that would use the programs under study.Examining the conceptsWhat are the big ideas that strike you as you read? How do they pertain as you see it to your topic? These lead to your analysis of the concepts behind or overarching your topic. An examination of the key concepts must be helpful to your research to be understood by your audience.Part of the purpose of the review of literature is to help your reader understand what has come before as well as the key issues and concepts that are inherent in previous discussions in order to place your study in context. Look at your discussion of the concepts and ideas that has driven the work of authors in your area as your setting a firm foundation from which your reader can understand the context and importance of your work.An analogy that may be useful is as though you have constructed a goblet out of the little bits of ideas (seen as colored glass) that you have gleaned from your reading. Once the goblet is complete you need to hold it up to the light and then discuss for your reader the ways in which the light bounces off of the different components, how you work together to form the shape, and the areas where you join to construct an object strong enough to be useful.Describing complexityMany times authors are studying complex adaptive issues. By definition these dismay us because they put us in the center of the tension between the ideal and reality. For instance, in perfection we might desire businesses that do everything right or schools that run perfectly. We would wish that all of the staff were happy in their work and had abundant resources at their disposal. The realities in many schools or businesses are that none of these ideals exist.Whatever the key tensions, that surround your topic, you will need to have explored them as part of your review of the literature. This discussion is another means of ensuring your reader has adequate contextual understanding of your topic to make judgments on the efficacy of your study.Unpacking methodological assumptions in previous studiesAs you have researched your issue you have been exposed to how a variety of researchers have examined topics similar and tangential to yours. They have based their research methods on their own assumptions or understanding about how best to measure the answers to their questions. It is an appropriate discussion within a review of literature to unpack for your reader these past studies and the assumptions on which they were based. In this way, your writing will naturally flow towards your discussion of your own methodological choices in both the lit review and Chapter 3 in a dissertation or the methodology in any required research proposal.Quantitative studies assume that enough is known about the topic and the human relationships that determine its complexities that these can be questioned across large numbers of people using a similar instrument. For years, proponents of diversity have challenged this assumption, playing on cultural differences to argue that use of language may differ among communities to the degree as to make surveys meaningless.Qualitative studies on the other hand assume that data gathered from a few people, albeit data that create depth in understanding their personal relationships to a topic, will have significance to the whole population. Qualitative studies assume that it is important to understand the personal mechanisms within educational relationships of a few and that these can be extrapolated to the groups you represent.Quantitative and qualitative studies read very differently and come to separate types of conclusions. Again, in order for your reader to understand your topic and the others who have studies it you need to help them understand these subtleties.The bottom line here is: READ AND MAKE NOTE OF THE METHODOLOGY USED IN THE STUDIES YOU READ. From those notes you can more easily design your own methodology.ArgumentationWhat is an argument? How do we analyze those of others or make one ourselves? The principles of argumentation have not changed much since the Greeks and Romans. Stephen Toulmin (1958 later cited and redefined by Hart, 1998) laid out a simple structure that breaks an argument into four types of information:1. Claim – an arguable statement.2. Evidence – data used to backup the claim3. Warrant – the link between the evidence and the claim (since a then b)4. Backing – the context and assumptions that support the validity of the warrant and the evidence (because)Let’s say that we want to make the claim that our new program increased the motivation of our staff. We have evidence that shows that the staff who attend our program do better with customers than those who do not attend our program. Whether or not others will believe our claim will hinge on the degree to which we: a) link the staff motivation to the evidence of their customer service records and b) back up the assumption with stories or other research that support our conclusions.Much of our experience of the world is determined by personal and cultural taste, our context and values. These may all cause people to disagree with our claims, creating situations where the evidence, warrant and backing will receive close scrutiny. For this reason a solid argument can be made for predetermining the type of claim being made and the likely weakness in each.Type of ClaimPotential WeaknessesClaiming FactsThe facts you state cannot be verified or are incorrect. Claims of fact do not rely on warrants or backing (other than citing your sources). An example here would be a report on the numbers of computers in the school.Claiming ValuesRelies on the other person agreeing with the basic judgment involved. Disagreement will lead to either denial or counterclaim such as “No, because…” or “Yes, but perhaps…” To build on the previous argument a person might make a claim that the school needed more computers because of the value of technology in the world today.Claiming PolicyRelies on a normative statement of what ought to or not be done. You often use claims of values as support, laying the argument open for debate on two fronts, that of the value or of the need for the policy. A claim in this category might be that schools should provide laptops for students in order to properly prepare them for the future.Claiming ConceptRelies on a personally derived definition. Disagreement will cause the argument to be countered by proposing an alternative definition. It is likely that the choice of words is highly interpretive. In education topics may include the advisability of retaining a student or the desirability of standards based high stakes testing.Claiming InterpretationPropose how data are to be understood. Disagreement mounts an alternative interpretation. For some small schools have shown themselves to be at an advantage in improving students achievement, for others these same data can be interpreted in an alternative manner.Figure 1 based on Table 4.3 from Hart, 1998, page 90Warrants are the assumptions on which the arguments are based, tying the claim to the evidence that supports it. Like claims, these can be stated or unstated, but if stated a counter argument must take the warrant into account. As an example to the extent that we believe that the purpose of business is to make money, then we can lay claim for greater emphasis placed on financial records and auditors reports.Limitations to the argument may be stated clearly as in, “A limitation to this study is…..” Qualifiers may point to limitation without the same amount of clarity. Therefore, the savvy researcher is on the lookout for words such as probably, some, many, too, or generally. If and when you find literature that, while it agrees with your general arguments, relies on claims that are easily refuted or qualifies its claims, it is best to keep searching.Finally, illustrations used to back up arguments. Specific instances, like irrefutable data do much to convince an audience of the validity of a claim. As Hart (1998) points out, “Concrete illustrations are usually much more convincing than hypothetical or generalized scenarios. However, the main and most common form of backing (in a review of the literature) is the legitimacy conferred on an argument through the use of academic style.”ReferencesHart, C. (1998). Doing a literature review: Releasing social science research imagination. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publishing.Mauch, J. E., & Park, N. (2003). Guide to the successful thesis and dissertation: A handbook for students and faculty. New York: Marcel Dekker.Roberts, C. M. (2004). The dissertation journey. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin Press.Rudestam, K. E., & Newton, R. R. (2007). Surviving your dissertation: A comprehensive guide to content and process (Third ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publishing Inc.